im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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