I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
