Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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