Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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