Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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