I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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