I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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