I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
