i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She bit a glass in half.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
