I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
