you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
