So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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