I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
