I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
do nipples grow back?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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