So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
