I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
