i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
