Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
