I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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