I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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