Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
