My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
