my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
