It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
