At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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