i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
