my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
