A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
