how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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