I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
