It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
