You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
