I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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