Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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