She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
