i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
