she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
