Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
