So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
