NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
