you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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