was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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