i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
