My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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