Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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