I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
