I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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