So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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