I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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