I faked an abortion last night.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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